Descending into Madness

[Ziyanda Blane]

TW: ED mentality, Anxiety, Puns

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[attr="class","notebook"][attr="class","notebooktext"]Dear Diary,

Wow today was a day. There was this puppy that I ran into during lunch and it was adoooorable. I shih tzu not, it was fur-king paw-some. And then I

Ah who am I kidding? You’re a bunch of paper bundled together, you’ve got no way of hearing me or judging me for not being all happy and jokey all the time… right? You wouldn’t do that to me?

I guess you don’t really want to hear about my problems. No one does. After all, what harm could the idle thoughts of the annoying green haired girl hold in comparison to all the people who are sad or angry or scared in the world. Even I’m not sure. I’m so lucky that I get to live my life and be so happy, but I think sometimes I am scared too.

What if I’m not good enough? What if when all the jokes are gone I don’t amount to anything compared to the rest of the world? What if I’m so blind to what everyone else thinks that I can’t see what’s obviously in front of me? I’ve always liked myself but what if that’s wrong? When I’m looking in the mirror I see me, but actually paying attention to what other people see I don’t think it’s quite right. I eat so much and those pounds… well I hadn’t really noticed them before but they’re there. And even noticing it I don’t know that I can do anything about it. I’ve never had any real amount of self control, especially not when it comes to eating or exercising.

I don’t know. It’s silly. I can tell I’m overthinking things, but I don’t know how to stop. Sometimes it’s like my mind runs at a hundred miles per hour and there’s no stopping it, even when it switches from all the happy funny things to the things that I don’t want to pay attention to. I wish there was a way to turn it all off. That would make everyone happier.

I know you didn’t offer a penne for my thoughts, sorry for spa-getting all heavy on you, I’m pasta-tive things will be alright. After all, I’m gonna get farfalla all these puns, no matter how much they pesto you. Pasta la vista!

~Z

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[Ziyanda Blane]

TW: Eating Disorder Mentality

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[attr="class","notebook"][attr="class","notebooktext"] Dear Diary,

Lately I find myself wondering how I’ve been able to make I through my life smiling and acting as though everything was perfect whether it was or not. Part of it, I suppose, was a naive belief that things were perfect. It was denial. Nothing is ever perfect and all the pretence is getting so exhausting. Why should I care if the world thinks I like who I am? No one else should be able to force me to hide my feelings, and yet I had so much more experience with smiling and shrugging off any pain that I’m not sure I would know how to address the problems in my life even if I tried.

It is easier in any given moment to play along than to let people worry. Even the idea of letting people worry doesn’t make sense to me. It would be so selfish of me. I have a good life with a good family and a school full of friends I genuinely love. The fact that I don’t feel good enough for all of my fortune isn’t something I should be complaining about, not when I know other people have far more serious problems.

Telling others definitely isn’t the way to go. I don’t need their help to fix myself. I know exactly what’s wrong and I am perfectly capable of changing it… I think. I’m not sure. I just have to eat less or work out more without drawing attention to myself, which should be simple enough. I have never been good at keeping secrets though, nor have I been good at doing things that are hard. But this feels different. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I feel… I’m not sure. Determined? I’ve never really been able to stick to things that weren’t fun before, so it’s almost like I’ve decided I have to do this to prove to myself that I can.

Aahhhhh on a more positive note, school was great today! I went and I paid attention and everything! We’re doing Shakespeare in my English class and I’ve always liked Shakespeare. I’m not sure why everyone else in the class seems to hate him. He used big fancy words that were so pretty and there are so many puns. I guess maybe some people really don’t like puns? Idk I’m not sure I believe that.

Anyway it’s dinner time (yay but also uuuggggh) soooo bye.

~Z

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